


Close Call

by breathedeep222



Category: The Black Tapes Podcast
Genre: Angst, Discussion of Past Suicide Attempt, Established Relationship, F/M, Sappy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-15
Updated: 2016-01-15
Packaged: 2018-05-14 01:34:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,414
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5724532
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/breathedeep222/pseuds/breathedeep222
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Alex wakes up expecting to have a normal, lazy Saturday. But then Nic calls her with some disturbing news.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Close Call

**Author's Note:**

> Sooo yeah this fic hit me pretty randomly. I actually had a dream about Alex waking up to some horrible news about Strand, but in my dream it was some kind of tragic accident. I didn't really want to write something like that and then I remembered a prompt someone got about Strand having tried to commit suicide in the past. Then this was born.
> 
> If anyone wants a more details description of the content before they read just ask.

Alex woke up slowly, the sounds around her apartment gradually permeating her consciousness. First she could hear music coming from the apartment upstairs, then the rumbling of the pipes from her neighbor using the shower, and then the jarring sound of someone holding down their horn in traffic.

“Honking obnoxiously isn’t going to make the traffic go away!” Alex groaned and rolled over onto her other side, away from the window. She pulled a pillow over her head to block out the sound.

Before her rude awakening, Alex had been enjoying just dozing in bed. She had been working a lot lately and was glad for the opportunity to sleep in. Usually, on Saturday mornings she went for a run, but last night she had decided to skip it and just enjoy a truly lazy day. Thankfully the traffic moved and the honking stopped, and she could go back to lying around.

At least, that was the plan until she made the mistake of opening her eyes. She was facing her night table now, and could see the flashing of her phone indicating she had new messages. Being a true product of her time, she couldn’t resist the urge to reach over and check her phone. She leaned up on her elbow and reached over to unplug it and place it on the bed. Alex looked at the screen, and her stomach dropped.

She had five missed calls from Nic alone and a boatload of texts from various people. Her Black Tapes email account alerts were also off the charts. She clearly picked the worst day to sleep in. She ignored the messages and just dialed Nic’s number right away.

“Alex! Thank god you’re finally up. Have you checked your email or anything yet?”

“No, because I had a million messages from you begging me to call. What the hell is going on?”

“Good, that’s good. I hate to have to be the one to break the news but it’s probably for the best so you don’t…panic.”

Alex was already panicking. Something was obviously very wrong. “If that’s your goal you’re doing a terrible job.”

“No no!” Nic interrupted. “Relax! Everyone is fine. It’s just…” he sighed, seemingly gathering his thoughts. “This morning someone released some information about Dr. Strand. Uh, private information.”

That calmed Alex’s nerves some and explained her email blowing up. A scandal, okay. She could deal with a scandal.

“Private information about Richard that’s made the internet explode? I’ve been documenting his private life for awhile and it’s already pretty fascinating. What the hell could they have found? Does he have sixteen illegitimate children or something?”

Nic was silent and Alex was worried again. “Nic? I was just joking…there’s not any truth in that, is there?” Her head started to spin with other unlikely scenarios. Richard having secret kids, or committing a serious crime, or cheating on her.

“It was a medical report,” Nic said, cutting off her whirlwind train of thought. “In 2003, Strand was admitted to the hospital for an intentional drug overdose.”

Alex went numb. It felt like her brain had short-circuited. She couldn’t process what Nic had just said to her. Intentional drug overdose? What did that mean?

“What?”

“He tried to kill himself,” Nic said softly. It was almost a whisper, like he hated having to say it out loud.

“What?” Alex yelled. Suddenly she was furious. “Who found this? Why would they leak something like this? Who knows?” The last question was pointless, she knew. It was clear by her email the answer was everyone. She had made Richard a very talked about figure recently, and now everyone who knew about him knew a very personal, bleak secret.

“We don’t know who posted it yet,” he told her. “Some random account submitted the information to any Reddit pertaining to Strand in the slightest. But this wasn’t an account that had been used before that or anywhere else. I asked MK for her help. If anyone can find who did this it’s her.”

“Okay,” She said absently. Her fury was gone as quick as it had come, not having anyone to blame it on. “Tell me, do I want to check any of those emails?”

“I wouldn’t,” Nic answered. “I mean, plenty of the fans of your show have been supportive but…Strand hasn’t made himself particularly popular over the years, and you know how the internet is. Besides, we need you to go check up on Strand.”

“What?” Alex yelled again. She felt like she was going to be doing that a lot today. “Someone should have done that already!”

“We _tried_ ,” Nic said. “But his phone is off. You can’t blame him for that. I wouldn’t want to deal with this mess either. Jenna and Mel are in Chicago, and I doubt he’d want a visit from me more than you. I was waiting for you to wake up.”

“How could you do that?” She didn’t feel like herself. She sounded hysterical, but her morning had changed so drastically. She had no idea how to process anything normally. “Nic what if he-“

“Don’t.” His voice was firm. “He’s fine. Melissa woke up this morning to the news, and also a message from Strand that was time stamped at like 5 in the morning. All it said was ‘I’m fine. Turning phone off’ but still. He took the time to assure her and is probably trying to do his best to avoid this whole situation. That’s why I was waiting for you to go over there.”

“Right, right.” Alex took a breath. Nic sounding so confident and in control helped reassure her. “Okay, I’m going to go get ready. I’ll talk to you later.”

“Alex please don’t look at the messages.”

“Bye Nic.”

She hung up and flopped back into bed on her back. Nic knew her too well, she was definitely going to look at what people were saying. Everything felt too surreal right now like this was some super horrible prank they were playing on her. She couldn’t believe someone would do something like this. She had to see it for herself.

Alex got out of bed and walked to her kitchen. She turned on her laptop and poured some orange juice while it started up. She sat down and brought the cup to her lips but paused halfway. The hand wrapped around her glass was trembling.

“Shit.” She slammed the glass down and covered her face with her hands. The reality of the situation was finally hitting her and it sucked. Of course she was upset. But she had to keep it together. The person who had the right to be the most upset right now was Richard, and she needed to be strong for him. She took a deep breath and opened her web browser.

She opened facebook and was met with exactly what she had expected. A million links to articles about it being left on her page. She considered clicking on the links, but the idea made her nauseous. She knew it wouldn’t make a difference but a part of her felt like the only thing she could do was not read that information. It was important to her to allow Richard that one small sliver of privacy. He still had a choice about telling her the details or not.

Resolved hardened, Alex directed her attention to what she had signed on for in the first place. She knew people were going to say awful things. People who didn’t even really care about Richard either way would just take the opportunity to be more awful than the next person. As bad of an idea it was, ignoring it wasn’t an option. She wasn’t going to let someone do this to Richard and say nothing.

Her anger was the only thing holding her together as she read those comments. A voice in the back of her mind pointed out there were more good comments than bad, but the bad was all she could focus on. There were people laughing, saying Richard was a hypocrite for acting all high and mighty around others when he was clearly “a pussy.” People saying “what can you expect? Even his own daughter doesn’t like him.” But the absolute worst ones, the ones that made Alex boil and want to scream, were the ones saying it was a shame he couldn’t finish the job. People saying everyone still hated him and he should try again.

Alex was burning up. She couldn’t believe these people. Couldn’t believe someone could hold so much hatred inside them they’d encourage someone else, the man she loved, to take his own life. Whoever leaked this had done it anonymously. They didn’t use it to write an article to gain readers, or to bask in the praise of their own research skills. All they wanted was to hurt him. It was done out of pure malice.

She had seen enough and clicked away from the page. Everyone was asking her to comment, to say something about the situation. She moved her cursor into the update status box. Alex didn’t know who had spread this information yet, but she knew exactly what she would say to them.  
\---

Alex rang the bell for Richard’s apartment and shifted back and forth anxiously. After she finished her post about the situation, she shut her phone off and headed over to Richard’s place. On the way she stopped by the bakery he liked and bought some of his favorites. Thinking about Richard’s sweet tooth brought an unexpected smile to her face.

That smiled stretched wider when the door opened and Alex was greeted with the beautiful sight of Richard in front of her. He was only wearing a t-shirt and sweatpants, more dressed down than he ever was in public, and so wonderfully, gloriously alive. It hit her all of a sudden that she would never have been standing here if he had succeeded. She’d never have any idea Richard Strand existed.

Alex dropped the bakery bag, not giving any thought to the probably smashed napoleons, and threw her arms around him.

Richard let out a small ‘oof’ but didn’t let it phase him. He just wrapped one arm around her waist and shut the door with the other.

She leaned back and pulled him into a kiss instead, trying to pour every bit of how grateful she was into it. “I’m so sorry,” she said when she pulled back.

“What? Why are you apologizing?” The hand not on her waist was wrapped in her hair, twirling one piece gently. One salt and pepper eyebrow was raised in confusion.

Alex pulled away and picked up the abandoned bag of pastries. She took them into the living room and sat on the couch, not even bothering to remove her jacket. “If I hadn’t brought you into all this, brought your private life into my podcast, no one would have had it out for you so much they'd do something like this.”

Richard laughed. It was such a loud, unexpected sound Alex’s head popped up and she gaped at him. He covered his hand with his mouth to restrain his laughter, clearly realizing how inappropriate it was.

“I’m sorry,” Richard said between chuckles. “It’s just…people have been out to get me for _decades_ Alex. I figured this was bound to get out eventually. I’m honestly surprised it took this long.” He walked towards the table and picked up the bag. “Take your coat off. I’ll bring us some plates.”

Alex removed her jacket and left it over the arm of the sofa. She felt exhausted. She had only been up for an hour and a half but the emotional turmoil she went through drained her.

Richard came back to the living room, one big plate filled with pastries and two little plates in hand. He set everything down and then sat next to her. His hands rubbed over his thighs and he didn’t move any closer, telling her he was nervous.

“I didn’t know you would find out like this. I would have said something.”

“I’m not mad!” She assured him quickly. She moved over to him and rested her chin and arm on his shoulder, other arm wrapping around his stomach. “I don’t think this is something you had to tell me. It was no one’s business but your own.”

“And Jenna’s, unfortunately for her.”

“What?” Alex sat up. “Why is it Jenna’s business?”

Richard gave her a confused look while he leaned forward and grabbed a few pastries. “She was the one who found me.”

“Oh god. _Jenna_ found you?”

Richard chewed and looked at her oddly. “Yes. Did you somehow miss this in the article?”

“I didn’t read it,” Alex answered easily. She helped herself to a couple tiny cannolis. When she looked back at Richard he was frozen, staring at her.

“You didn’t read the article?” He asked carefully like he’d heard her wrong the first time.

“Of course not.” She put down her plate and took his hand between hers. Richard had nice hands, large, slightly rough, and he often poked fun at how much she liked to play with them. “I meant what I said about it not being anyone’s business. Not even mine. I’d never violate your privacy like that.”

He was staring at her again in what could only be described as awe. His eyes searched over her face and then he smiled. It was tiny, almost bashful. “You’re really something else, you know that?”

There was so much emotion on his face Alex had to look away, feeling like she would buckle under the weight of it. “I do my best,” she answered nonchalantly. She picked up her plate again and took a delicious, sugary bite.

He let her go and went back to his own eating. “You should have read it.”

“Why?” She was surprised. She couldn’t imagine why he would want one more person to know something like that.

“It’s absurd knowing everyone else knows about it except for the most important person in my life.”

Alex couldn’t restrain her smile at that. She leaned over and kissed him, accidentally getting cream on his mouth. “Sorry.” She laughed, wiping it away with his thumb. She picked up her plate, pulled her legs onto the couch beside her and leaned against his side. “Do you want to tell me about it?” She knew how difficult talking about things like this could be for him and thought not looking directly at her would make it easier.

He shifted around to get comfortable. “It was a few years after opening the institute. I stopped feeling like I was actually doing anything useful. It all felt pointless. And I realized at that point Charlie was certainly not going to speak to me ever again. I didn’t feel like I had a purpose anymore. Every day felt like I was going through the motions. So I…didn’t see the point.”

“In living.”

“Yes.”

Richard stopped there but the silence was tense, unsatisfied. Alex couldn’t resist. “You said Jenna found you?” She prompted.

He sighed and shifted slightly. “Once I got that thought in my head I couldn’t get rid of it. There was nothing I could grab onto that would prove it wrong. Eventually, I decided to just go through with it.”

Alex balanced her plate on his thigh and turned her head into his arm, closing her eyes. Thinking about Richard suffering with those thoughts by himself broke her heart.

“That day Jenna was supposed to be flying to New York to visit her family. Her flight was that afternoon but she,” Richard paused and laughed. "It was the most unbelievable thing. We had a meeting at my place the day before and she had forgotten her planner. So she stopped by on her way to the airport. My doorman knew she had blanket permission to come upstairs so she didn’t have to call or anything. But when she got here I didn’t answer. She had an emergency key, and she didn’t have any time to wait for me to get home so she just let herself in. That’s how she ended up finding me in time to call an ambulance.”

Alex’s heart had sped up while Richard was telling his story, her hand grasping his in a vice grip. It was a random order of coincidences that had saved his life. If Jenna had made a different choice, if her flight was scheduled just a little bit later, then Richard would have died.

Tears welled up in her eyes and she clenched them shut harder trying to will them away. The action just ended up forcing them out and the droplets landed on Richard’s arm.

“Oh.” He jerked and nudged her up. He moved their plates to the table then cradled her face in his hands. “No, don’t cry. I’m Sorry, I didn’t want to upset you.”

Alex shook her head. “It’s not that I’m upset.” She wiped at her face, embarrassed because Richard was so composed. “I’m thankful.” He seemed a bit at a loss for words, but Alex never was. “Did you regret being found?” She asked him quietly.

Richard sighed and pulled away. He picked up a napkin and swept crumbs off his lap. “A little.” He glanced over at her when he said it like he was guilty of something.

That bugged her. She didn’t want him to think she would be mad at him for the way he felt. He didn’t owe her his happiness just because they were together.

“It was mostly just disappointing. I still didn’t feel like there was a point in living, and now Jenna was hurt by my actions and I had to deal with all that. I didn’t want to try again, though. I almost felt like I didn’t deserve it because I messed up the first time.”

Alex put her hand on his back and rubbed gently. She needed him to know she was there for him. “Did you keep regretting it?”

Richard shook his head. “Not really. I guess I just resigned myself to living and threw myself into my work. I didn’t feel like that again, but I never…I never felt like it would have been a mistake. There was nothing that I experienced that made me feel like I would have missed out if I had succeeded. Until I met you.”

Alex froze. Richard was staring at her again, the overwhelming amount of emotion back in his eyes but this time, she couldn’t look away. “You don’t mean that,” she said in disbelief.

Richard nodded. “I do,” he said seriously. His voice was low and commanding. He meant every word. He came closer to her and put his hand on her face again. “I hate the idea that I came so close to never meeting you. That would have been my biggest regret.”

He kissed her then. Alex wrapped her arms around him and returned every inch of feeling he was trying to convey. He deepened the kiss and she shifted until she was straddling his lap. It didn’t matter what had happened before, what the world had put Richard through. He was here with her right now, despite everyone who wished he wasn’t.

Thinking about the comments made Alex laugh and she had to pull away. Richard raised his eyebrow at her again but the smile was back on his face. “What?”

“I might have-“ Alex cut off to laugh some more. “I meant it when I said I didn’t read the article. But, I did read some of the comments and I may have posted a very strongly worded response.”

Richard’s smile transformed into a full-fledged grin and he squeezed her waist affectionately. “How strongly worded are we talking?”

“Let’s just say I’m lucky I don’t officially work for Pacific Northwest Stories anymore, or I might be getting fired.”

They looked at each other for a long second and then erupted into laughter. Alex tucked her head into his neck and giggled. Richard’s hand was running through her hair and she could hear the echoing bass of his laughter in her chest.

She kissed his neck and squeezed his shoulders tight. “I love you,” she told him, “and I’m glad you’re here.”

Richard wrapped his arms around her tighter and buried his face in her hair.

“Me too.”

**Author's Note:**

> There it is! This was kind of intense to write and I didn't want it to be TOO sad so I tried to make the ending lighter. So let me know what you think? Maybe. I'm not sure if I want to know lol.


End file.
